[ Laughs maniacally ]
[ Mechanical breathing ]
[ Laughs maniacally ]
What in the [Bleep] is --
[ chuckles ] So I threw the senate at him.
[ Laughter ]
The whole senate!
True story!
Oh, my God, that is so funny.
[ Laughing ] You made it come out of my nose.
[ Telephone rings ]
Go for papa palpatine.
You have a collect call from...
Vader: [ Mechanical breathing ]
Darth vader.
[ Sighs ]
I got to take this. Hold on.
Vader, how's my favorite sith?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Whoa.
Just slow down.
Huh?
What do you mean, they blew up the death star?
[Bleep]
Oh [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep]
Who's "they"?
What the hell is an aluminum falcon?
[ Sighs ]
Okay, okay, so who's left?
Are you [Bleep] me?
Well, where are you?
Wait a sec, you been flying around
for two weeks trying to get a signal?
You must smell like feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon.
Oh, oh, oh, I-I'm sorry.
I thought my dark lord of the sith could protect
a small thermal-exhaust port that's only two meters wide.
That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet.
Do you have any idea what this is gonna do to my credit?
[ Telephone rings ]
Hang on, I got another call.
What?! I'm very busy right now!
Oh.
Oh, well, where are they going?
Oh, all right.
Um, just get me a Turkey club.
Uh, Cole slaw, I guess.
I'm not even gonna eat it.
What are you getting?
No, see, I always order the wrong thing.
No, no, no, I'll just stick with that.
Okay, bye.
W-what?
Oh, cherry coke.
Thanks.
Sorry about that. [ Sighs ]
What? Oh, oh, "just rebuild it"?
Real [Bleep] original.
And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole?
You?
You got an atm on that torso lite-brite?
"Now get your 7'2" asthmatic ass back here,
or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny bitch
you were about padamami or panda bear
or whatever the hell her name is.
Oh, jeez, he's crying.
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come on, come on, don't do that.
Just -- just -- look,
I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now.
Death star blown up by a bunch of [Bleep] teenagers, you know?
I didn't mean to snap.
O-okay, just get back here.
Okay. Okay, bye.
Y-- I -- I love you, too.
What'll it be, pal?
Martini!
[ Whistling ]
Oh, jee-- oh, my God.
I got to get that transfer to coruscant.
I guess we'll have to eat this boring oatmeal.
It's a trap!
Both: Wow! Admiral ackbar!
Wow! Admiral ackbar cereal!
Colorful marshmallows!
Imitation crab meat!
Your tongues can't repel flavor of that magnitude.
There's a prize in every box.
Admiral ackbar cereal, now with brine shrimp.
[ Sighs ]
[ Speaking aqualish ]
Whazuuuuup, ponda!
Let's bust out early
and hit that new cantina across the street.
Come on!
One drink ain't gonna kill you.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Babbling ]
[ Squeaking ]
Like I'm really gonna eat a bunch of bananas after that?!
[ Both laugh ]
He doesn't like you.
I'm sorry.
I don't like you, either.
You better watch yourself.
We're wanted men.
I have the death sentence on 12 systems.
I'll be careful.
You'll be dead!
[ Screaming ]
Gee, ponda, I just don't see how
you can keep designing with no drawing arm.
I'm sorry, but we have to let you go.
[ Alarm buzzes ]
Oh -- oh, dear.
My keys.
[ Chuckles ]
It's almost open. Hold on to this.
Man: Whoa, coming through!
Man: The wall's on fire!
[ Elephant trumpets ]
Man: What was that?
It was a lightsaber!
This is my first day!
[ Car alarm blares ]
What the -- Little help?
Welcome to orientation day here on the jolly,
old death star.
There are a few things we want to go over
with you concerning lord vader.
First and foremost, he thinks he has the power to strangle us.
Truth is, he doesn't.
If he ever realized this,
he would kill us with his lightsaber.
Thus, to keep us safe, we'll all pretend to get strangled.
Okay, let's try a practice.
Commander Winston here will assist me.
I'm going to hold out my hand like lord vader,
and he will pretend to be strangled.
Gasping for air.
Grabs throat, yes.
Eyes back, and he's down.
Good show, commander.
Now two of the floor chiefs will retrieve the corpse,
redress him, add a mustache, and he's back to work
as lieutenant Leopold.
Vader has the satisfaction of killing someone,
and we stay amongst the living.
Why, private Perkins over there
has been strangled over 30 times,
haven't you, Perkins? [ Laughs ]
Good man.
This is awesome!
R2, patch me through.
I want to call Uncle Owen and aunt --
Ohh.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
[ Gasps ] You're George Lucas!
Uh, I take it you're here for the "star wars" convention?
I sure am.
Want to see my costume?
Um...
See? I'm a tauntaun.
But I don't have to tell you.
You invented tauntauns.
Well, that's very interesting.
Listen to my tauntaun call!
[ Growling ]
[ Elevator bell dings ]
Nicely done.
Oh, dear God.
Oh, my God!
George Lucas!
I love you!
Give me a baby!
Quickly, sir!
Onto my back!
I am your steed.
Uh... I have a bad feeling about this.
[ Growling ]
George: Oh, dear God.
[ Crowd gasps ]
Oh, well, um...
And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Just like in the movie!
Me?
Thank you!
And that was the greatest day of my whole life.
What about when I was born?
Not even close.
But with the blast shield down, I can't even see.
How am I supposed to fight?
Ooh!
[ Roars ]
Oh, damn it!
What is it?
I never get a spaceship.
I never get anything.
Should we order some Chinese food?
I don't know, I guess.
We'll get some Chinese.
[ Telephone dialing ]
Hello, could we get, um...
What do you think, 5 million tons of kung pao chicken?
That's good.
Yeah, 3 million pot stickers
and one order of scallion pancakes.
Get some fried rice.
5 million tons of fried rice.
Cash or charge? It's -- hold on.
We're just gonna gobble him up when he gets here, right?
Yeah, of course. Cash, then.
Mace: [ Screaming ] That mother--
[ sighs ]
I got to get that transfer to the death star.
Mr. president, your vitals all check out fine.
There is just one thing.
Your midi-chlorian count is extraordinarily high.
Does that mean that I'm one of them,
whatcha call 'em, jedis?
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, not tonight.
I'm tired, honey.
You're not tired.
You want to have a threesome.
I'm not tired.
I want to have a threesome.
Get me condi.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Tires screech ]
Oh, sorry, "w."
Big Mac attack. Yee-hoo!
Hey, hey, whoa!
What the dilly?
[ Chuckles ]
Saber beats rock.
[ Rumbling ]
What in the hell?
Who dares disturb my slumber?
Who dares question my... Daring
of his dare? Jerk!
It is I, I who freed the slaves,
I who united --
Boring.
Let's fight!
If you strike me down,
I shall become -- wait, let me finish!
Aah!
That'll teach you, George Washington!
Jenna, get over here right now!
I am your father!
That's not true.
That's impossible.
My real father would let me go clubbing as late as I want!
You little --
Ow.
Oh, no, baby, I'm sorry.
Aah!
You suck!
Nooooo!
[ Snoring ]
What -- huh?
Was it just a dream?
Mr, president, we still haven't found any weapons
of mass destruction.
You have found weapons of mass destruction.
Uh... Hi.
We haven't.
You have.
I don't know what you're doing.
Bring me a taco.
Yes, sir.
Tacos rule.
Cloud city will be cloudy this evening,
followed by clouds.
Get your own tauntaun!
Your overconfidence is your weakness.
Your faith in your friends is yours.
Luke: Faith in yo mama.
What was that?
I said, yo mama's so fat, jabba the hutt said,
"da-a-a-mn!"
Well, your mother's so ugly,
she put the "ug" in ugnaught.
Oh, yo mama fight!
Yo mama's so stupid, she spent all day saying,
"am not," to r2.
[ Crowd shouts ]
Your mother is so fat that Ben Kenobi said,
"that's no moon."
"That's your mama!"
[ Crowd shouts ]
Yo mama's so dumb,
she thought jar jar comes with pickles pickles!
[ Crowd shouts ]
Your mother is so stupid,
she -- she thinks a lightsaber has fewer calories.
[ Crowd murmurs ]
I don't get it.
It's light. Like it's light.
Like, light means that there's not a lot of calories
and it's good... For your body.
That's how stupid your mother is.
Yo mama is so stupid,
she went to Bangkok to get a tie fighter.
And Luke wins!
What are you doing? What are you doing?!
Put me down! [ Screaming ]
Oh, come on.
What are they doing up there all the time?
What's happened up there?
Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction,
but everything's perfectly all right now.
We're all fine here now.
Thank you. How are you?
Man: We're sending a squad up.
Negative.
We had a reactor leak here now.
Give us a minute.
Large leak, very dangerous.
Man: There's no reactor on that floor.
Yes, well... I talked to Dave Johnson
in stormtrooper engineering,
and he said there is a reactor here.
Dave Johnson?
Hang on one second.
Okay, I have Dave Johnson on the line.
Dave, did you tell someone
there's a reactor in prisoner control room?
Dave: Uh, no, there's no reactor there.
I don't know what to tell you,
but I'm staring straight at a reactor.
Maybe vader had it installed yesterday.
Man: Hang on a second.
Vader: What do you want?
Lord vader, did you install
a reactor in the prisoner control room?
Vader: Um... Not that I know of.
Hang on one second.
Sheila, can you get me the plans to the death star?
Okeydokey, the plans here --
Let me have a look.
[ Singing indistinctly ]
Reactor, reactor, reactor.
No reactor that I can see, but might as well put one in.
There's always room for another reactor.
Man: We'll send a team up to build the new reactor.
No, not necessary.
We've got it under control.
Boring conversation anyway.
Okay, let's build this reactor.
Inform the emperor
that the jedi temple has been sealed.
Yes, my lord.
Jar jar: Ani?
Ani! Little ani!
Jar jar, I am no longer Anakin Skywalker.
These are some nice duds.
Look, jar jar, it is very important...
[Groans]
That you never speak to me again.
What'sa happen to you?
Yousa burn your face --
Aaaah!
Ani-Bo-bani!
What'sa happen to you?
Jar jar, homey, my main man, quickly,
before the separatists attack, get into the escape pod.
Hey, if this is escape, then where the pod?
Yousa forgot the pod!
Whoo!
[ Sighs ]
[ Chuckles ]
Ani, look!
Yousa not gonna believe it!
Meesa all sparkly glowy.
Now weesa gonna have all the time to spend together.
I love you, ani!
[ Cheers ]
Ani, yeah!
And toshi station is proud to present the power converters!
Oh, yeah!
[ Muttering ]
Hey, Mr. solo.
Solo on the rocks.
You can't beat me, I'm boba fett!
I'm the greatest bounty hunter ever.
[ Imitates gunfire ]
Oh, yeah.
What's that, solo?
Oh, blasters aren't fair?
Okay, dig it -- no blasters. Oh, ah!
Didn't see that one coming, did you, huh?
So slow.
You thought I was over there, but guess what.
[ Laughing ] Over here.
Oh, yeah.
A little rope-a-dope, huh?
Left-right-left-right, oh! [ Laughs ]
Down goes solo.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Huh?
What's that?
Oh, you want a face-to-face?
Let me just take this bad boy off.
Oh, he's even better looking without the helmet.
Surprise ending.
Huh? You want me to come closer?
Oh, you don't want to fight anymore?
Oh, your hands are up there almost like you're begging --
Begging for a little piece of boba.
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
You like it 'cause you're bad.
Oh, yeah. You dirty little smuggler.
[ Growls ]
Turn to the dark side and join me.
I'll never join you!
You killed my father!
No, Luke, I am your father.
That's not true.
That's impossible!
And princess Leia is your sister.
That's not true!
That's... Improbable.
And the empire will be defeated by ewoks.
That's... [ Chuckles ]
Very unlikely.
And as a child, I built c-3po.
Huh?
And the force?
Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream
called midi-chlorians.
Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously,
I'm out.
As you can see,
my young apprentice, your friends have --
[ hammering, whirring ]
Your friends have failed.
Now -- [ Grinding ]
Now witness the firepower of -- [ Loud grinding ]
Fully armed and operational --
Oh, come on!
[ Grinding continues ]
Hey, fellas!
Excuse me. Excuse me.
[ Noise stops ]
Hey, the force is strong with this one, eh?
What do you got there, a latte?
You ever have the hazelnut macchiato?
Change your life.
Anywho... Tony, right?
Ray. Ray, sorry.
I get mixed up.
Who's Tony?
Anyway, I hate to interrupt.
I know you're very busy.
Is there any way you could finish this area, you know,
later?
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
Look, Mr. saltine, I don't tell you how to...
Threaten your blond kid, so why don't you
go back over there to your sit-and-spin
and let me do my job?
Okay, copy that. Good talk.
They'll just be a little longer.
I'd tell them to stop, but,
you know... No speak-o minimum wage-o.
[ Chuckles ]
So, where was I?
Oh, right, right.
Now witness the firepower...
[ Loud drilling ]
¶ [ Upbeat "star wars" theme plays ] ¶
jabba the hutt's hottest singer was blown to smithereens,
but his rock 'n' roll will never die.
Presenting Max rebo's greatest hits,
including "why do I look like an elephant?"...
[ Singing in native language ]
"Ooh, I have an average memory"...
And his grammy award-winning single,
"I already told you I'm not an elephant"...
And his famous duet with nsync's Joey fatone.
¶ Neither of us is an elephant ¶
Max rebo's greatest hits,
the guy who looks like a blue elephant.
Order now.
[ Mid-tempo music plays ]
Ya ya ya!
Okay, everybody.
Welcome back to the show.
We have a surprise guest tonight.
I really wasn't expecting this.
Emperor palpatine is here.
Silence!
Fear me!
So, tell me, your highness,
how do you plan on putting down this rebellion?
By shooting it with lightning!
That's how I solve all my problems.
And then afterwards, I shall eat pudding.
[ Laughing ] Okay.
But seriously,
the rebels have already caused major disruptions.
I'll show you a major disruption...
A major disruption in my adult undergarments.
Okay.
Can we get out of here?
Seriously, Francis, it's time for my soap operas.
It's zuckuss.
Peace out, fly-face!
Fear me!
Okay, that was fun.
Let's bring out our next guest, the lord of the sith,
darth vader!
[ Upbeat music plays ]
Hey, easy.
You could hurt somebody with that.
Easy, boy. Easy, boy.
Okay, well, that's our show tonight.
Stay tuned for "late-night talk" with Sinbad.
That was so wrong.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to empire on ice!
¶ The empire is chasing us ¶
¶ they simply will not cease ¶
¶ oh, man, my nuts are freezing, kid ¶
¶ I'm up out this bitch ¶
both: Peace!
¶ I'm the wampa ¶
¶ I'm the snowman ¶
¶ and I don't take any lip from no man ¶
but --
[ soft music plays ]
¶ I know you want me bad, princess ¶
¶ you know you're such a flirter ¶
¶ shut up, you scruffy nerf-herder ¶
¶ Luke, he hasn't checked in yet ¶
¶ it might be that he is done ¶
¶ his chances of surviving here ¶
¶ are 10,000,005-to-1 ¶
[ beeps and whistles ]
[ Growls ]
¶ You're so dumb ¶
¶ the empire's been alerted, and here they come ¶
¶ empire on ice ¶
¶ here we are ¶
¶ the empire on ice ¶
¶ all those rebels will pay a big price ¶
¶ vader's not nice ¶
¶ and the tauntaun gets sliced ¶
¶ and Chewbacca has lice ¶
¶ the empire on ice ¶
¶ empire on ice ¶
¶ empire on I-i-ice ¶
[ cheers and applause ]
[ Chickens clucking to tune of "star wars" theme ]
[ Mechanical breathing ]
[ Shouts ]
Ani, yeah!
[ Shouts indistinctly ]